When Santana Row approached me about creating a Father’s Day Shopping Guide, I was thrilled. I’d like to think of myself as a good gift giver, mainly due to my belief in the Platinum Rule (not the American Express Platinum card!). To me, the Platinum Rule goes beyond the Golden Rule, which is to treat others as you would like to be treated. My family defines the Platinum Rule as treating others as THEY wish to be treated. In my husband’s case, a platinum gift would be something he’d buy for himself. He is crazy about cycling, the outdoors, grilling and/or smoking grass-fed meats, any craft beer but especially Belgian ales and, of course, versatile clothing that travels well yet is suitable for nights on the town.

Santana Row graciously gave me a gift card* and I had a lovely afternoon browsing, photographing and shopping!

Can you guess which item or items I actually purchased? I’m curious what you might pick. Leave me a comment and we’ll see a) if you’re correct about my gift choice(s) and b) what you would select for the special Dad’s in your life. If you want to save the guide to take along with you, please CLICK HERE to download the PDF.

Father’s Day is Sunday, June 19th – all of the items in the guide were found and photographed at Santana Row. Happy Shopping!

*The value of the gift card was $150. I might possibly have spent more than that, but don’t tell my husband!

We have many inside jokes and traditions relative to Lori and Jo-Ann’s. A running jest in her family is that the store is bound to call the house if Lori doesn’t show up at least once a week! Another is that her husband always gave her gift cards in funny amounts, like 17 cents, just to see the look of surprise on her face when she went to use it.

Sadly, Lori’s husband, Jeff, died in January. She has been amazing the past six months – moving forward through grief and creating a new life for herself and their two college-age sons. She surprised everyone when she decided to throw a 50th birthday party at her health club; before this, she had solo-hosted only one other party, just a few weeks before! For me, the natural choice for her cake décor was a Jo-Ann’s gift card (to be revealed at the party). Freeport Bakery in Sacramento agreed to create the design after Jo-Ann’s gave permission (which they so graciously and willingly did when I called). The cake was a sour cream blackout knockout celebrating Lori’s love of chocolate; the bakery did a great job making it look like a real gift card, don’t you think?

Also real was the gift card we slipped into Lori’s slice of cake (Justin, channeling his Dad). The card was purchased in the amount of $19.63 to commemorate the year she was born. It brought tears to Lori’s eyes and we all felt Jeff’s presence in that moment. Though the Elk Grove weather was hot, the pool party was lovely and the guest of honor beamed throughout (especially since her best friend, Denise, gave her a “special” necklace to wear – 10 five-dollar Jo-Ann’s gift cards threaded on a ribbon!).

I hope you enjoy the story of how one of Jo-Ann’s all-time BEST customers got the cake of her dreams and how much we appreciate Jo-Ann’s corporation for allowing us to use the gift card design!

Kathy Besser and family

Val, a recently retired Army Chaplain, was a tremendous gift to us for a number of reasons: one, he was someone Jeff admired for his service to our country; two, he and his wife, Lisa, care very much for my sister, Lori; and three, he has a lot of experience comforting families in severe grief.

Val spent the first year of his marriage to Lisa in Dover, Delaware, honoring our nation’s fallen by ministering to the families who came to meet the caskets of their loved ones. I can’t imagine the fortitude this job must have required, I can only say that Val is one of the kindest, most gentle souls I have been fortunate to come across.

We sat with Val at my sister’s kitchen table and he patiently guided us through the main elements of the service. Lori was able to tell Val the wonderful stories of her courtship and marriage to Jeff, with Val taking notes and asking gentle, probing questions.

When it came time to discuss the speaker portion of the service, Val provided the following advice for us to share with family members who planned to talk a bit about Jeff. Rather than discuss Jeff’s qualities, suggested Val, tell a story that actually illustrates them. He said, “Start off by saying, ‘let me tell you a story’ and then go into detail within that story to say what it was about Jeff that was so special.”

This sounds so simple but it’s very profound. Anyone can be described as a devoted family man or a fun-loving person. But it takes a meaningful story, like the one my father told about Jeff ‘foraging’ for food at an AM/PM mini mart in Hawaii when we were stranded in a residential neighborhood without a car, to really give everyone a terrific sense of how Jeff sprang into action in a crisis. It helped us hone our stories so that everyone at the service got to know a real person, not an advertising poster for father or husband of the year. And it greatly humanized Jeff and made sure he would be remembered as the extreme giver he was.

Thank you for reading my posts about what I learned from losing my brother-in-law, Jeff. I learned a lot about what I can do if someone I care about experiences a similar loss. I hope it’s made me a better responder and I hope this advice will benefit others who truly want to know how they can help in a crisis.

P.S. The amazing flowers above were sent to me by my sister, Lori. Many thanks to Judy Sieber and the wonderful staff at Emily Joubert for designing something that so beautifully reflected my sister’s sentiments to me.

My sister and I had the extreme luck of working with the most caring and capable man at Herberger’s Funeral Home in Elk Grove. John Lambdin was extremely kind and comforting; but even more, he helped shape Jeff’s service into the most memorable send off I’ve ever seen. You see, Jeff was a constant prankster (e.g. while driving our family’s boat, he yelled “Man Overboard!” before leaping over the side into Folsom Lake – thankfully, my husband shared that humorous tale when he spoke at the service; it epitomized Jeff’s wacky sense of humor).

In the midst of our talks about what constitutes a memorial service (the first one either of us had ever planned), John suggested the value of having something tangible for people to hold during the event so they might feel closer to the one who has departed. He said, “Was your husband a gambler, by chance? If so, you could distribute poker chips to the attendees.” We laughed and said it was a better choice for one of our brothers. I lamely suggested mini flags (since Jeff had been a Marine at one time) but that didn’t feel right at all.

Then, Lori said, “Well, there is this thing about raw elbow macaroni.” Who knew Jeff liked to crunch on handfuls of dry macaroni while watching TV? Maybe it harkened back to his childhood when he searched the cabinets for a snack. Or maybe he just liked crunchy things. Nevertheless, it was a habit that bewildered and amused my sister over the years. She had no idea how big a habit it was, however, until they moved the couch one day. In addition to her son’s lost iPod, they uncovered a treasure trove of raw elbow macaroni, peanut M&M’s and various other crunchy bits.

John and I were laughing at the memory when I turned to my sister and said, “Trail Mix. Let’s make some Jeff Ried Memorial Trail Mix to distribute at the service.” Everyone agreed it was a unique idea and off we went. We enlisted the help of my sister’s amazing best friend, Denise, and purchased the necessary ingredients: elbow macaroni, peanut M&M’s, pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds. Then, we walked around and around the island in my sister’s kitchen, filling the bags.

At my computer, I tried to channel Jeff’s sense of humor as I designed the labels. Hopefully, it’s close to what he himself would have written.

We kept the project a secret until it was my turn to speak at the service. I gave a brief overview of John’s suggestion about bringing everyone closer to our lost loved one, then Denise and I brought out the baskets containing the trail mix packets.

I believe it did exactly as intended: connected everyone more closely to the funny, beautiful and unique soul of our Jeff. It is my hope the recipients will put the bag away for a while and happen upon it by chance sometime in the future. And in doing so, they’ll remember how blessed we all have been by Jeff’s presence in our lives.

Please stay tuned for my next installment, “Let me tell you a story…” inspired by the wonderful pastor, Val Sutter, who officiated at Jeff’s service.

While given with the best of intentions, I now realize that a “please don’t hesitate to call if you need me” is kind of meaningless in a crisis. Most people will not ask for help. We are too trained to be self-sufficient, to not burden others, to hide our need for assistance.

This has become painfully obvious to me in the days following my brother-in-law’s tragic death. I’m up again at 4am, sorting through the past few days, trying to figure out what is working and what is not. But I keep coming back to one thing: how humbled I am by the number of people who have just shown up at my sister’s door. Sometimes they don’t even knock, they just quietly come in and drop off food.

I feel as if I’ve taken a master class in crisis management this week. And I want to write these ideas down while they are still fresh. More than anything, they are for me to refer to in future crises. In the past, I’ve sometimes offered help to someone suffering a loss but have not followed through. That ends today. If you are family member, friend or neighbor, I will be there next time.

So, here’s the tip: show up at the door, give hugs, listen if they want to talk, respect silences, bring food if food means comfort to THEM (bring it wrapped and freezer-ready, too), and most of all, make a plan to check back in 2-3 weeks – that’s really the most meaningful time to visit a bereaved person. The days leading up to a funeral are horribly hectic: plans to put in motion, the phone ringing every five minutes, visitors coming and going, etc. There is typically a big crash when everyone returns home to their lives. A week or two later is sometimes the best time to show up.

2. Find something tangible to do.

Do you have a scanner? Offer to scan old family photos for the memorial. This takes no special talent and is something real and tremendously helpful. Are you a baker? Offer to provide bite-size sweets at the reception following the service. Fold programs. Help clean up after the service. Run errands.

3. Check in.

Send a card, send a text, send an email. Try not to call in the beginning to let them know you are thinking of them. There are so many notification calls to be made as well as calls pertaining to the funeral, yet the phone never stops ringing. It is exhausting to field so many at one time. If you absolutely must call, try other family members instead. They may have a good handle on how things are going and can forward your message. See #1 above and be sure to check in when you can.

4. It’s not about you, it’s about them.

Unless you absolutely, positively KNOW the religious affliation of the bereaved person, DO NOT do any of the following:

• Have them stand there and pray with you (do this on their behalf, in the privacy of your own home)
• Bring religious pamphlets or other informational materials about loss, grief, etc. (trust that they are being counseled by their own religious group or support network)
• Include crosses or religious iconography on the outsides of envelopes (especially if they are not religious)
• Include any religious references in your communications to them (unless you attend the same church, how can you possibly know if this will comfort them or make them uncomfortable?)

Again, it’s about them, not about you.

5. Mend fences.

Death reminds us how fragile life is. If you have a rift with a bereaved person, please consider taking the time to mend it. Death brings a horrible burden of guilt no matter what the circumstances and old wounds can easily resurface. Forgive. Forget. Mend the fence.

http://dirtandsunshine.com/assetlibrary/sbs_shopping-guide.pdf

I urge you to take a look at the guide TODAY. There are some great businesses to check out and you’ll want to learn about them this week so you can take advantage of any ‘Black Friday’ or ‘Small Business Saturday’ deals.

For example, Bella Rosa Boutique in Los Gatos is offering 20% off storewide of all merchandise including sale items during Black Friday and Saturday – my great tip to share with you this afternoon!

I hope you’ll add these folks to your shopping ‘bucket list’ and help spread the word… shop ‘small’ whenever you can!

kathy

But what happens when our children get older? Do we still encourage them to share, just like in the sandbox? Frankly, I look around the Bay Area and don’t see much of it. I see a lot of competitive parenting, people wanting the best for their own children but ignoring others who are RIGHT THERE.

I want to ask all of you to take a candid look at your efforts to share what you have. If you, like me, are lucky enough to live in the United States, you probably have a lot you can share. If you have a roof over your head, running water, heat, food in the refrigerator and a host of other comforts, you probably have a lot you can share. If you can get the latest i-gadgets from Apple, travel to exotic locales and/or eat out as much as you want, you probably have a lot you can share.

And if you think about the fact that we all step into the proverbial sandbox every day, don’t you think we can do a better job of sharing our toys?

I try, but I know I can do better. Will you join me?

Imagine getting up close and personal with the chef as she/he prepares a delicious multi-course meal for enthusiastic guests. And getting to taste everything to boot!

I’ve had several opportunities to volunteer at farm-to-table events at Love Apple Farm in Santa Cruz – http://events.loveapplefarms.com/ – and in my mind, the two standouts were the ‘tomato mania’ and ‘forest to fork fungal dinner’ events held this fall.

The September tomato mania dinner, created by Chef Breana Greene (http://www.organicfoodspersonalchef.com), was a ‘love apple’ extravaganza featuring a few of my new favorite dishes: tomato bread pudding with basil cream sauce and rosemary panna cotta (outrageously good!). In the above photo, my husband, Paul, is holding another standout: sauteed Padron peppers with tomato salt (photo courtesy of Kelly Vaillancourt).

We had a great time balancing bottles of wine and water, setting out charming tomato-themed centerpieces by ultra-talented Mee Young (farm apprentice) and fetching the family style platters from the creative hands of Breana and her team. At the end of the night, they sent us home with enough leftovers to have a full lunch with our sons the next day!

This past weekend’s ‘forest to fork’ dinner featured mushrooms from amuse bouche to dessert (yes, even a mushroom ice cream!). Chef Neil Marquis created so many over-the-top combinations of butter, cream, wine and mushrooms, I mentally gained a few pounds! More than anything though, it was such fun to re-bond with the farm apprentices and volunteers who come again and again.

That, in a nutshell, is what it’s all about for me: connecting with other Bay Area residents over our mutual love of gardening, food, wine and conversation. As guest, a`server or even a dishwasher, you will appreciate the effort it takes to put on such a fabulous, community-building event. I highly encourage you to check out opportunities like this or better yet, find a way to create your own!

To my friends at Love Apple Farm: I will definitely sign up for future volunteer opportunities. (they say thank you in the nicest way, too – a $50 gift certificate towards a future class or farm dinner). And best of all, Chef Greene is cooking a private dinner for us this Friday night (she’s for hire, if you live in the Bay Area)!!

Fast forward to my recent efforts to deconstruct favorite menu items (e.g. The Counter’s horseradish mayo). Could I replicate the flavor of the Urban Garden bar as a creamy chocolate dessert? It seemed simple enough but I worried about the orange or rosemary overpowering the chocolate flavor. I needed something that had enough richness to support the oils from both the rosemary stalk and the orange peel. My answer? Balthazar Restaurant’s decadent chocolate pot de creme.

This time of year, I reach for The Balthazar Cookbook on a regular basis. The pot de creme is a classic; a perfect end to meals featuring slow-cooked roasts or stews and hearty winter vegetables. It can be savored with the last few sips of wine from dinner or paired with a strong espresso. And the best part? It’s really easy to make!

It took me a few tries to get it right. The first time, I used the wrong pan and water that was too cold. The flavor was spot on but it was closer to a chocolate milkshake than a silky custard. The second time, I used our Le Creuset braiser and it worked really well maintaining a consistent temperature. The third time, I did it the same way just to make sure I got the same result.

If you’re interested in giving it a try, here’s my version:

Orange-Rosemary-Chocolate Pot de Creme
(adapted from The Balthazar Cookbook)

1.5 cups heavy cream
1 cup whole milk
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
8 ounces Valrhona or Callebaut semi-sweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
6 large egg yolks
zest of a small orange
1 6-inch stalk of rosemary, lightly bruised with a hammer

Preheat the oven to 250 degrees.

In a medium saucepan, combine the cream, milk, sugar, vanilla, orange zest and rosemary. Whisk to combine and bring to a boil over medium flame. Add the chopped chocolate and whisk until all chocolate is melted. Remove from the heat.

In a medium bowl, lightly beat the egg yolks. Remove rosemary stalk from chocolate mixture, then pour in a slow, steady stream into egg yolks (making sure to temper them first). Whisk until smooth.

Divide the mixture among 6 ramekins (6 ounce size) and place them in a large casserole or high-sided baking dish. Pour cold water into the dish, coming halfway up the sides of the ramekins (bain-marie). Cover tightly with foil and bake on the center rack for one hour and 15 minutes. Check for doneness – custards should jiggle slightly in the center. If too soupy, continue to cook for 5 minutes at a time.

Let cool to room temperature then refrigerate. Serve cool.

Our older son, Dane, typically prefers regular fries over sweet potato ones. However, he will devour an entire plate of sweet potato fries if it is served with this special sauce. So, it was important for me to figure out how to recreate the taste at home.

In the interest of full disclosure, I had a little help (courtesy of one of the nice staff members at their Palo Alto location). The gentleman clued me in to the fact that the main ingredients are buttermilk, mayonnaise, horseradish, paprika and salt.

As far as creating an actual recipes goes though, I was on my own.

I started with one quarter cup buttermilk and one quarter cup mayonnaise. To this, I added a heaping teaspoon of creamy horseradish, a little over a quarter teaspoon of paprika and a generous shake of sea salt. Believe it or not, this was almost it as far as taste matching goes. I ended up with a bit more paprika (for color) and just a bit more salt. These amounts made enough for 4 individual servings (the bowl pictured above is 2 ounces and it was just over half full).

So if you’re craving a new topping for fries, especially sweet potato ones, I encourage you to try this simple recipe at home. Let me know how you like it in the comments below!

Horseradish Mayo:

• 1/4 cup buttermilk
• 1/4 cup mayonnaise
• one heaping teaspoon creamy horseradish
• 3/8 teaspoon ground paprika
• 3/8 teaspoon salt (or to taste)

Mix all ingredients and serve with piping hot sweet potato fries. Enjoy!

At this time of year, cherry tomatoes provide the best punch of tomato flavor (unlike the large, watery varieties in the stores). Pair them with a whole basil leaf and a small mozzarella ball (called boccocini) and voila…portable caprese salads that make a great walk-around appetizer for your guests!

We served these at our annual sangria party a few weeks ago and they were a big hit. We provided extra virgin olive oil for drizzling (oil poured over the whole platter makes a huge mess by the way), a pepper grinder and fleur de sel (de Camargue) for guests to make their own salads on the fly.

Happy Summer!

I took a chance and contacted the same Etsy vendor, PicnicBasketCrafts, who made our much-loved red checked set. Tiffany and Joan were up for the project and even let me select my own fabric (which they then purchased).

I decided to go with green since most of our parties are in spring and summer. The flannel fabric is a muted brown and cream plaid pattern which is nice because plain napkins show stains, FYI. Also, I could not find a floral pattern I really liked so plaid it was (the selection of good flannel options is depressingly limited). The upside is that these will work well for picnics and tailgate parties.

They are a great size, too. Five inches by eight inches. Easy enough to tuck under our three-inch ceramic party plates. So here we are, one step closer to the ultimate eco-friendly party!

P.S. If you want to find Tiffany and Joan on Etsy, go to: http://www.etsy.com/shop/picnicbasketcrafts